GAMES people PLAY (Part 2)
The bestseller book about the Psychology of Human Relationship illustrated - Part 2
We are currently on a break from the Cognitive biases series, to focus on human interactions as described in the book “Games People Play” by M.D. Eric Berne.
At the end of this post you will find a poll asking if you would like to get back right away to the Cognitive biases or see more example of the “Games”.
We are now covering part 2 of “Games People Play”, If you haven’t seen part 1, I encourage you to review it first as some of the principles described are useful to understand this part.
PASTIMES
Pastimes are light interactions, they usually start and end with a “ritual” or “procedure” (e.g Welcoming guest in a party).
They organize the time (as suggested by the name “Pastimes”), with the main goal of exchanging “strokes” / maximizing each others gains (the interactions that satisfy our need for connection).
You can imagine the pastimes as “Conversation Topics / Activities”, the pastimes are sometimes restricted by genre / social status
E.g:
“Isn’t it Awful that….”
“What happened to xyz?…”
“Gym talk”
etc…
Pastimes are also the way we use to Maintain a Role or Position:
Positions are the psychological stance or attitude that we adopt in our interaction with others, this is usually something influenced by our childhood,
The Roles we play are the result of those positions.
We can for example take the position "All children are bad” and the Role of the “Tough Parent”. Maintaining the position / role is a reward in itself.
Finally, pastimes are where we find who we want to play games with.
GAMES
While Pastimes are candid, Games have always a hidden motive (at a psychological level)
Games are predictable sequences of “Moves” with a “Payoff” at the end
Games can be played a Level 1 - Socially Acceptable, Level 2 - Bad Repercussion, Level 3 - Irreparable Damage.
There are more technical ways to characterize the games, as there a lot of Clinicla psychological jargon, I mostly skipped those details, and kept the simple ones (numbers of players, the goal, the moves, and how to stop the game)
LIFE GAMES
Lets now review some Games we can encounter in life situations. The book also describes Marital / Sexual / Party & Consulting games. You can tell me if I should cover those using the poll at the end.
ALCOHOLIC / DRY ALCOHOLIC
This game can be played with or with out an addiction (Dry Alcoholic),
It can involve multiple player like:
👩🚒The Rescuer: Trying to help
🫠The Dummy: Empathizing with the player, giving money (e.g the mother)
😡 Persecutor: Accusing / degrading the player
The moves are:
(1) Provocation🥴Get drunk / Make a mess → Accusation 😡“You are xzy!” or Forgiveness 👩🚒“Let me help you”
(2) Indulgence 🥴Get drunk / Make a mess → Disappointment 😞 or Anger😡
🏆The Goal is “Self-Depreciation” “Self-Criticism”,
🛑How to stop is “No persecution, not taking any role”, this game is hard to stop, and sometime is better to let the Rescuer play a role until the player as enough strength to quit playing completely.
DEBTOR / TRY & COLLECT
This is a way of life, using debt as motivation to move forward, or taking more and more debt that you try to avoid paying.
The moves are:
(1) ⚪Contract Debt 💳Enjoy Luxury lifestyle or Being pushed by the debt to work hard→ ⚫Try and collect 🫴
(2)⚪Avoid 🏃♂️→ ⚫Try and collect 🫴
(3)⚪Avoid 🏃♂️→ ⚫Try and collect …🫴
(4)⚪Avoid 🏃♂️→ ⚫Take extreme measure 💥or Forgive 🤷♂️
🏆The Goal is Enjoyment or having the “right” to Get Angry
🛑How to stop is To Collect immediately (it might not work though).
KICK ME
This is the social equivalent of having a sign saying “Please Don’t Kick Me” on your back, the player use more and more provocation until he really gets kicked.
The moves are:
(1) ⚪Provocation🙃 → ⚫Kick 🤜or Try to help 👨🚒
(2)⚪Provocation🙃 → ⚫Kick 🤜
🏆The Goal is Self-Pity. “My misfortune is better than yours”, “Why does this always happen to me ?”
🛑How to stop is not described in the book, other than mentioning that “Why does this always happen to me” can lead to constructive thinking and personal growth if taken as “What did I really do to deserve this.”
NOW I’VE GOT YOU, YOU 💣☠️⚡
This is about looking for situation where you find other at fault, or having them at your mercy.
The moves are:
(0) ⚪Contract “I’m watching you”
(1) → ⚫Provocation❌ “Breach of agreement” → ⚪🫵Accusation “We agreed…”
(2)⚫🛡️Defense “I had to do it because…” → ⚪🫵Accusation “We agreed…”
(2)⚫🛡️Defense “I had to do it because…” → ⚪😡Punishment “You 💣☠️⚡”
🏆The Goal is Justification for rage, avoiding to face your own deficiency.
🛑How to stop is to Stick to the exact agreement.
In all of those games, there are other “Advantages” received from playing games:
Psychological (maintaining internal psychic stability, avoiding anxiety or intimacy)
Biological (stroking),
Existential (maintaining your position)
Social (e.g. the right to play other games or pastimes)
All of this give us the incentive to keep playing games, but avoid the harder, but true connection with others: Intimacy.
🫵 Tell me what you want to see next:
Thank you for reading and voting!
As always, I appreciate any of your feedback :)
See you soon.
Lud.